


there's no doubt (you're in deep)

by someonelsesheart



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I'm trash probably, It's a trope now, Straight best friends, and baby bisexual clarke, there's lots of hurt and lots of comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-30 23:05:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6445897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someonelsesheart/pseuds/someonelsesheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She’s right, because Lexa has been in love with Clarke for years now, and she’s not over it. Sometimes it dulls, like when she was dating Costia, but it’s always there. She thinks she’s safe, and then Clarke is there, kissing Lexa’s cheek and pressing up against Lexa’s side, and Lexa falls in love over and over and over again.</p><p>But she’ll get over it. Probably. </p><p>(Or, the story of how Clarke gets her shit together.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	there's no doubt (you're in deep)

Clarke falls out of love on her seventeenth birthday.

Wait no, that’s not right. Clarke falls out of love long before then – before the arguments and the Incident and the angry silence – but this is when it all comes to a head.

She’s sitting in her backyard with Finn, feet kicking at the dirt as he runs his fingertips up and down her arm. It’s cold, enough that icy residue bites at her bare feet. She’s happy. With Finn, they’re so often fighting that she’s never really truly contented, but tonight she lets herself enjoy the breeze and look up at the glimmering stars.

She rests her head on Finn’s shoulder. He pulls her closer and says, “Clarke, I’m seeing somebody else.”

*

Two days later, Octavia takes her to a friend’s house party, and Clarke gets the drunkest she’s ever been.

She doesn’t remember much afterwards – only a lot of alcohol, telling a stranger about her relationship problems and crying in a toilet – but she _does_ remember Maya Vie cuddling up against her, pressing her lips to Clarke’s neck, and Clarke thinking _Huh. Maybe._

Octavia dragged her away, of course, said something about _Clarke being too drunk to function,_ and so Clarke doesn’t think about it again for a long time.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

On Tuesday, Lexa arrives late to homeroom, spills coffee on herself, and only misses being marked absent by a mixture of bribery and intimidation of the homeroom teacher. She’s a sub, anyway; doesn’t care that much about retaining the class’ respect or anything, so it turns out okay.

She’s nearly late to English and next period finds out last minute that she has an AP Algebra test she hasn’t studied for. By lunch, she’s exhausted to the point where she just collapses next to Clarke at the table and doesn’t say a word.

“Lexa,” says Clarke. When Lexa doesn’t reply, she pets at her arm. “Lexa. _Lex._ Are you okay?”

Lexa grunts.

“Have you had a bad day, sweetheart,” Clarke says, stroking her head. “Tell Mama Clarke about it.”

“Clarke, you have no clue how weird that is.”

Clarke just laughs. “Tell me about it, Lex.”

Lexa complains for a solid twenty minutes about everything she can think of. When she runs out of steam Clarke rubs her back and Lexa blurts out, “AndCostiabrokeupwithmelastnight.”

Clarke says, “Oh.”

Lexa says, “Yep.”

Clarke seems a little lost for words. Lexa steals one of Clarke’s chips, just to be spiteful, and Clarke says, “But you guys were so _happy._ ”

Yeah, of course that’s what Clarke thinks. But Clarke didn’t see the way Costia looked last night – beautiful, furious, and fucking _crushed._ “I guess we had different interests.”

“As in?”

“As in I was interested in somebody else.”

Clarke raises an eyebrow. “You have feelings for somebody else?”

Lexa just shrugs.

“Why didn’t you say anything to me? We’re best friends, Lexxy.”

“Because it’s not a big deal,” says Lexa, “and don’t call me Lexxy. Let it go.”

Clarke, to Lexa’s shock, actually drops it – if only temporarily. Clarke says, “I’m so sorry, Lexa,” and hugs her tight, and then Octavia and Raven and the others suddenly appear, as if beckoned.

“Can we come sit down now,” whines Jasper. “Clarke said we couldn’t.”

Lexa laughs, but it’s a little choked.

“What’s up, Lexa?” Octavia asks, looking concerned.

Lexa tries to say something like _It’s fine_ or _Don’t worry about it_ but the words get stuck in her throat. She grabs her bag and rushes out of the cafeteria, because the worst thing in the world would be for all her friends and schoolmates to see her cry.

She finds her way to the bleachers and collapses down, putting her head in her hands. All she can hear is Costia’s _I thought you loved me, how could I be so stupid_ and _All this time, you’ve been lying to me?_ and Lexa’s _not all this time, Cos, no, please._

Which is a lie, of course. She’s been in love with Clarke for about three years, and being in love with your straight best friend isn’t something you ever really get over.

Sex is one thing – but emotional infidelity is just as bad, or at least Costia seemed to think so. She stormed out of Lexa’s house, so, so angry and so, so sad, and Lexa hadn’t followed her, because there was nothing left she could do or say.

It only takes Clarke ten minutes to find her, and she suspects the girl gave her a headstart. She doesn’t say anything as she sits beside Lexa. She doesn’t touch her, knows sometimes Lexa doesn’t like to be touched, especially when she’s upset. Lexa’s heart breaks a little and she holds out her hand; Clarke takes it, knotting their fingers together.

“What happened,” says Clarke, barely a question.

Lexa just shakes her head and Clarke sighs, resting her head on Lexa’s shoulder. Lexa can’t stop looking at their hands clutching each other in between them, the paleness of Clarke against Lexa’s skin, the blue of her veins.

“It will get better,” Clarke says, because of course she knows.

“I know,” Lexa says, except she doesn’t, she doesn’t know at all.

*

Lexa plans nothing for her weekend, purely to allocate at least two days to feel sorry for herself. Lexa’s parents are gone for the weekend, and Indra doesn’t live at home anymore, so she has the house all to herself. Of course, it’s about six on Friday night and Lexa is about to order pizza when the doorbell rings.

Clarke stands there with a plastic bag of food in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other. “I thought you could use the company. Also, I convinced Bellamy to give me some of his alcohol, _so,_ really, it’s a celebration.”

Lexa lets her in, because how can she not, and says, “What pizza do you want? Wait, let me guess – margarita, you boring ass.”

Clarke grins. “You know me too well, Lex.” She lets herself into the kitchen to grab two shot glasses and makes her way upstairs while Lexa orders. She finishes ordering and follows Clarke upstairs. Clarke is already organised on the bed with two shots already poured, food spread across the bed, and Netflix on the TV.

“Pizza will be here in twenty,” says Lexa, and she grabs a shot off the bedside table and throws it back without preamble.

Clarke looks delighted. “I see we’re starting right away.” She downs her own shot and only coughs a little. “I hope you’re ready for a night of fun and adventure, Lex, because that’s _exactly_ what this is gonna be.”

As it turns out, there isn’t _that_ much adventure – they end up staying in and just watching shitty Netflix movies, because it starts to pour with rain outside and the temperature drops dramatically. She cries about Costia for about an hour, talking about their best memories, about finding Costia’s clothes everywhere, about Costia’s stupid gorgeous _face._ She loses steam around ten o’clock, when she stops being determinedly sad and starts just being really, really drunk.

Around midnight thunder begins to roll, and Clarke burrows against Lexa for warmth, cold hands pressed to Lexa’s stomach.

Clarke says, “I’ve been considering it, you know.”

“Considering what?”

“Girls.”

Lexa’s mind blanks out and she says, “What.”

“There was – Maya, last year, or earlier this year, I don’t know, and…” Clarke brushes her lips against Lexa’s shoulder. “I think I might be bi, you know? Boys are great. Girls are great. Everybody’s great.”

“Have you…”

“No, not yet,” Clarke says, and then she must be drunker than Lexa thought because she adds, “I was hoping you could show me. Kiss me. Whatever.”

 _Lexa_ must also be drunker than she thought, because all _she_ says is, “Okay.”

Clarke crawls over so she’s straddling Lexa, and Lexa can’t do much but stare up at her, and she’s _beautiful._ Holy shit, Lexa is so in love with her best friend, and so terrible, and it _hurts,_ and –

Clarke kisses her.

It’s gentle, at first; unsure. But then Clarke seems to realise it’s not that different to kissing a guy – just softer, sweeter – and it gets a bit more heated. Lexa manoeuvers them so she’s on top, and Clarke looks up at Lexa through her eyelashes and _fuck._ Her lips are all pretty and bruised, and her hair’s a mess. Lexa kisses Clarke’s neck, with just the hint of teeth, and Clarke _moans._

The world spins a little bit, Lexa thinks _holy shit I’m drunk_ , and she rolls off Clarke to bury her face in her pillow.

When she turns her head to the side to look at Clarke, Clarke is watching her. There’s _something_ in her eyes, something a little adoring that Lexa can’t quite name. Lexa clears her throat and says, “So what do you think?”

“Yeah,” Clarke says a little breathily. “Definitely bisexual.”

*

It’s a process. They don’t really talk about the kiss again, mostly because Lexa is getting over Costia and Clarke is – well, respecting that. Of course, about a month later, Clarke rushes to their table at lunch and reveals that she is in _love._

“Her name is Niylah and she’s gorgeous,” Clarke says. “She’s in the year above us, and she’s graduating next year, but she says it’s okay because we can share an apartment after high school.”

“Are you fucking kidding me,” Raven says, and she takes a swig of her red bull.

Clarke ignores her. “You should see her, Lex, she’s so amazing. You have to meet her, seriously – all of you, but especially you, Lex, because you know how much it means to me what you think.”

Octavia actually facepalms. It’s good to know Lexa has _some_ people on her side.

Two weeks later, Clarke comes to Lexa’s house sobbing. “She said she’s so sorry, but her friend confessed her love and she’s The One or some shit, how dumb is _that_? How can you just give somebody up like that?”

“I don’t know, Clarke,” Lexa says, and tries not to think about the irony. “She doesn’t appreciate how amazing you are.”

Clarke sighs and hugs Lexa tighter. “This is why I love you, Lex,” she says, sobs subsiding a little. “Why can’t I just date _you_? You’d be the perfect girlfriend _and_ you’re already my best friend.”

Lexa says, “Yeah, why not,” and Clarke doesn’t reply.

When she looks down, Clarke’s fallen asleep, mouth hanging open.

Lexa sighs.

*

There isn’t anyone like Niylah again, but Clarke tears through men and women like she’s trying to make a point. Not just sex, but she’ll get fantastical crushes for very short periods of time and insist on telling Lexa _all_ about them.

One Saturday night, Lexa gets a message from a very drunk Clarke.

**hys name is daniel and I am in luv**

_Clarke, go to sleep_

**I cant sleep hes so pretty lexa I wanna ruin him**

_Then go do that, Clarke, and don’t talk to me about it._

**hes so gorgeous lexa**

**do you think he likes me**

**well u don’t know him but if u did**

**im likeable right**

Then, ten minutes later: **lexa do u think im a slut**

**not just a sex slut but like**

**an emotional slut**

Lexa runs a hand over her face. _No, Clarke, you’re fine. But why are you texting me about this?_

**Bc ur precious to me**

**And I love u**

**Like honestly so much babe**

**More than anybody else**

Lexa throws her phone across the room and pulls the covers over her head. She doesn’t fall asleep for a very long time.

*

Clarke tries to text her apologising, even if she doesn’t quite know what for. Lexa ignores her all weekend, and goes to the library for lunch on Monday, avoids Clarke in the hallways. By Tuesday she’s back to normal, joking with Clarke, and she ignores it when Clarke tries to ask.

On Tuesday night she goes to the movies with Octavia and Jasper, because they’re the only others who enjoy horror movies just as much as Lexa. They watch something that makes Jasper actually scream, nearly getting them kicked out. Afterwards they get ice cream and walk down the boardwalk, and Octavia says, “Have you considered actually, you know, telling her?”

“She doesn’t –” Lexa hesitates. “She might not exactly be my _straight best friend_ anymore, but she’s still not interested.”

“How do you know that though,” Octavia says, not exactly a question.

Lexa just shrugs, and Octavia sighs. Jasper says, “Leave her alone, Octavia,” because they’ve had a kind of bromance ever since Jasper cried on Lexa’s shoulder for about four hours about Monty’s ‘stupid ethereal beauty’.

They’re as bad as each other, really.

“It’s okay,” Lexa says. “I’ll get over it.”

Octavia snorts, and she’s right.

She’s right, because Lexa has been in love with Clarke for years now, and she’s not over it. Sometimes it dulls, like when she was dating Costia, but it’s always _there._ She thinks she’s safe, and then Clarke is _there,_ kissing Lexa’s cheek and pressing up against Lexa’s side, and Lexa falls in love over and over and over again.

Every time, it hurts even more.

But she’ll get over it. Probably.

Maybe.

*

The week before Lexa turns eighteen, Clarke is reunited with Finn Collins. It’s a bad idea all around – Clarke’s relationship with Finn was unhealthy at best, generally toxic. They go out, and it’s _not a date,_ except Finn confesses his love for her and says he’s no longer with _that girl._

The next day, Clarke doesn’t touch her lunch at all, the word _maybe_ hidden somewhere beneath her tongue. Lexa can hear it.

Lexa catches her after their last period walking towards an unfamiliar silver car. After a second glance she realises it’s Finn in the driver’s seat. She says, “Clarke, _no_.”

“Lexa,” Clarke says, and her eyes are pleading, like she’s preparing for a fight that hasn’t even started yet. “I still love him.”

“No, you don’t. You just think you do.”

“It will be different this time, you don’t _get it._ ”

“Things like that don’t change, Clarke.”

“You –”

Clarke stops, looking at something over Lexa’s shoulder. Lexa follows her gaze just in time to see another girl, a year above them, get into the passenger seat of Finn’s car. She’s pretty and blonde and so _Clarke,_ and it makes Lexa sick to her stomach to see it. Finn pulls out of the parking space and they’re gone in the blink of an eye.

Clarke swallows. “Don’t,” she says.

“Clarke.”

“Don’t, please.” She’s crying now. “I can’t take it. I’m sorry, okay? _I’m sorry._ I’m a mess, I know it, but you should have let me go, I could have confronted him –”

“Finn’s not worth it, Clarke,” says Lexa, gently as she can. “I couldn’t let you do that.”

“Maybe it wasn’t your choice to make,” Clarke says, and she sounds angry. “Maybe I need to make my own mistakes. You’re my best friend, Lex, not my _girlfriend._ ”

And _wow,_ the words are like a slap to the face. Clarke couldn’t have made it hurt more if she’d actually _tried,_ and she looks immediately contrite when she sees the look on Lexa’s face.

“You’re right,” snaps Lexa, “I’m not your girlfriend. I’m just that girl who happens to be in love with you.”

She doesn’t give Clarke a chance to reply, turning on her heel and rushing off to the bus stop. It would have been more dramatic if, you know, she could drive theatrically away. Instead she just stands at the bus stop as it begins to rain and lets out a choked sob that has passersby staring at her weirdly.

She manages to hold it together until she’s inside her empty house, and then she slides down with her back against the front door and drops her face into her hands.

Her phone buzzes, and she turns it off.

 _You should have let me go,_ she hears Clarke say.

Lexa runs a hand over her face and begins to cry.

*

She doesn’t go to school the next day, and then it’s the weekend, and she doesn’t see anybody for two days. Sunday morning Jasper comes over with Octavia and Raven, and they don’t talk about it, just watch trashy television until Lexa feels a little bit better.

The pit in her stomach returns the second they leave, though.

The doorbell rings around five, when Lexa’s making dinner. She considers ignoring it, but eventually sighs, turning off the stove and walking to the door. She knows who it is even before she opens it.

“Lexa,” says Clarke, and she looks surprised, like she wasn’t quite expecting Lexa to answer.

“Yep,” Lexa confirms, but she doesn’t move out of the way. “What do you want?”

“I’m sorry,” she blurts out. “I was angry at Finn and I wanted something like that again, you have to understand, and I didn’t mean to push you. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have – if I had any idea of your feelings, I wouldn’t have said something so horrible, God, I’m such a terrible person.”

“I’m inclined to agree.”

Clarke laughs a little, and her eyes are watery. “You’d be right, definitely, you’d be so right.”

Lexa sighs and steps out of the way. “Come on then.”

Clarke moves past her into the house cautiously, like she’s half-expecting Lexa to suddenly change her mind. Lexa walks back into the kitchen, expecting Clarke to follow her. She’s right. She finishes dinner in silence and plates enough up for both of them. They eat quietly, with the soft sound of the TV in the background.

After that they move to the sofa, and Lexa sits pointedly on the other end of the couch. Clarke keeps looking at her like a wounded animal, but Lexa refuses to give in so easily. She’s – she’s not just angry, she’s _tired,_ too.

“Costia broke up with me because of you,” Lexa says eventually.

Clarke turns her sad eyes to Lexa and says, “I thought so – well, I didn’t think so, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I wondered. Like, this last couple of days. I always wondered but I never – yeah.”

Lexa snorts. “Okay, Miss AP English.”

Clarke makes a move as if to punch her jokingly in the shoulder, then pulls her hand back as if burned. Lexa feels a little guilty, seeing her so hesitant. Lexa holds out her hand, and Clarke hooks her fingers through hers, just like that day.

“So, this past weekend, I’ve been thinking,” begins Clarke.

“This doesn’t have to change things,” Lexa interupts, and Clarke kisses her.

Lexa doesn’t kiss back at first, too shocked, frozen. Just when Clarke is about to pull back, Lexa pulls her back in. The kiss is all teeth, furious and a little desperate, but it gets gentler, softer.

They separate, and Clarke says, “In case you didn’t realise, I’m kind of in love with you too.”

“You realised that just this weekend?”

“Not all of us can be as self-aware as you,” Clarke says. She swallows. “I always knew that. There was. Something. How could I not? But I didn’t want to face it.”

“You’re what? Ashamed?” The words come out a little sharp.

Clarke shakes her head. “No, no, of course not. I was – scared. I knew you were out of my league. I didn’t think I stood a chance, so I ignored it. I mean, I considered it briefly, and then there was Costia and…I don’t know.”

“You’re an idiot,” Lexa says frankly.

“Yeah, I know.” Clarke looks up at her hopefully. “I don’t suppose kissing is a thing that there will be a repeat of?”

Lexa snorts and pulls Clarke in again.

“Happy birthday,” Clarke murmurs against her lips, and Lexa just laughs.

*

Lexa falls in love on her eighteen birthday.

Okay, that’s not quite right – she falls in love the second she meets Clarke Griffin, but it’s the day Clarke Griffin says she loves her back.

“I kind of love you a ridiculous amount,” says Clarke, pressing kisses into Lexa’s skin. “It’s awful.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Lexa says. “That’s pretty embarrassing.”

Clarke hits her with a pillow. Lexa doesn’t remember ever being this happy.  

**Author's Note:**

> cry with me at dontholdthiswarinside, there's emotions and clexa and other stuff, yada yada


End file.
